You know how in your head you plan for things to go a certain way, but when it finally comes time for those things to happen, they don't happen the way that you planned?
Grayson never was able to latch on properly in order to be fed directly from the breast. Even the lactation consultants had some difficulty with helping me out because Grayson wasn't going to have it. I would try and try and try, and Grayson would just scream and scream and scream...(ask my mom. She witnessed this.)
Well, since I was producing milk, and it was important to me that this be what Grayson got, I pumped. For the last 12 weeks, I have pumped for many, many hours. At the beginning, it was great. I was producing so much milk, I felt like I had a little baby food storage going on. I also thought that I would never run out of breast milk.
Well, for the last couple of weeks, my milk supply has been dwindling. So, I tried increasing my fluid intake, that didn't work. I tried massaging my breasts, that didn't work. So then I started pumping every 2-3 hours for several days, that didn't work. Then I combined the following...increasing fluid intake, pumping every 2-3 hours, massaging and Fenugreek. For those of you who don't know, Fenugreek is an herb that has been known to help some women increase their milk supply.
Well, last night at 9pm, I pumped for the last time. In a 24 hour period for the last few days I haven't been able to pump enough for even one feeding.
This isn't what I had "planned" on happening. The decision was a struggle for me to make. Many tears were shed. I do feel confident however that I have made the right decision for my situation. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have had to make.
I have been reassured by many that I am not a bad person because of my decision. I gave it my best shot. I could have made this decision a long time ago when Grayson wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding. But I didn't. I pumped, then I fed him, then I cleaned the pump then I slept for 1-2 hours, then I did it all over again. Guess what? That was hard.
Grayson still has several days of breast milk left. I will make sure most of the breast milk is used up BEFORE introducing him to formula...I don't want him to end up liking formula more before most of the breast milk is gone.
I appreciate the encouragement from the people that I have talked to, and also for Tom who reassured me that it isn't my fault and that he would support whatever decision that I made.